hypersomnia. social anxiety disorder.
these are two new medical terms i learned a few days ago. hypersomnia is the opposite of insomnia and has many symptoms, primarily tiredness even after long hours of sleep. i always thought i had a bit of insomnia - i always have trouble sleeping at night and i would wake up late in the afternoon. even despite that, i would feel tired. that is one characteristic of hypersomnia. it is not severe, of course, but it surprises me that being tired all day is not normal.
social anxiety disorder. this i kind of suspected but never really bothered to look up because i am getting better. was getting better at it anyhow. when i was a child, i used to be so nervous to go to school. i could hardly sit still and i would so conscious of my appearance. it was not excitement per se but more of a worry of what people will think of me.
over time, i gradually relaxed a enough so that i could actually interact with people if need be. however, the fear of rejection or saying the wrong thing at social gatherings still makes me nervous. i would be unable to control my emotions and thought processes and my hands and legs would shake. i always feel like hiding in a corner because i never know how others may see me.
while i feel that i may only have mild hypersomnia, i think my social anxiety is getting worse than when i was in singapore. i am really avoiding people and, at work, when people answer the "wrong" answer to my question, i get dumbfounded. it took me months to learn to even say "hi, welcome to curry house. how are you doing today" properly. a few weeks ago, when i was heading over to eric's place, i noticed that there were still a lot of people at his place and, for one second, for one terrifying moment, i was scared.
i cannot say how much of a relief it is, having finally put names to some of my many problems. i find it curious that i am an introvert, hiding a social disorder. sleep disorder, i care little for. i have given up on proper sleep timings and going to bed easy. the social anxiety, on the other hand, surprises me, truly. i always thought it normal to be nervous and scared of what people will say or think of me. i thought it normal that being scared or nervous about a social meeting such that i would double and triple check the meeting details beforehand.
this requires more research.
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Friday, 27 April 2012
pain
i have this strange habit of stretching tremendously as i am waking up from a night's sleep. the moment my mind starts to surface from unconsciousness, my arms and legs would already begin reaching for the top and bottom of my mattress. especially my legs, because i normally sleep curled up, so inevitably, overstretching would definitely happen.
it has happened quite a few times before. i would stretch my legs to feel the delicious pull of muscles moving and suddenly pain would ring through me as my muscles in either of my leg protest excruciatingly. i have no idea what it is called, just that it feels as though my muscles were being pulled in two different directions. it hurts like a bitch.
i would automatically reach down, fully awakened from the pain, and curse fervently as i breathe through the pain and wait for it to subside. once the pain passed, i would lie back and call myself an idiot. then, a few weeks later, my legs would reach for the bottom of my mattress and i would be in fetal position again.
two days again, this happened. the difference is that i think there might have been a possibility that i might have fainted from the pain. i can't really remember. i just remember agonizing pain, breathing hard through it, clutching my leg then suddenly i'm dreaming that i was limping along the road. the pain was so intense this time that i actually felt it even when i was sleeping.
even now, it aches a little. strange it is. normally the pain would be over within minutes but this lasted for two days. i must have done something differently. or not done something right. either way, i should really research into what this pain is called.
it has happened quite a few times before. i would stretch my legs to feel the delicious pull of muscles moving and suddenly pain would ring through me as my muscles in either of my leg protest excruciatingly. i have no idea what it is called, just that it feels as though my muscles were being pulled in two different directions. it hurts like a bitch.
i would automatically reach down, fully awakened from the pain, and curse fervently as i breathe through the pain and wait for it to subside. once the pain passed, i would lie back and call myself an idiot. then, a few weeks later, my legs would reach for the bottom of my mattress and i would be in fetal position again.
two days again, this happened. the difference is that i think there might have been a possibility that i might have fainted from the pain. i can't really remember. i just remember agonizing pain, breathing hard through it, clutching my leg then suddenly i'm dreaming that i was limping along the road. the pain was so intense this time that i actually felt it even when i was sleeping.
even now, it aches a little. strange it is. normally the pain would be over within minutes but this lasted for two days. i must have done something differently. or not done something right. either way, i should really research into what this pain is called.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
changes
i was lying in bed last night and a startling comparison came to mind while i was trying to fall asleep. over the years, we change. our personalities change, our habits change. seldom do i actually see similar situations happening to the same person but with two different endings.
take for example, when i was in my lower primary levels, i was a class monitor, i think. we were waiting for our physical eds teacher to come in but she was late. despite my best attempts, my classmates were too rowdy and out of control and i gave up, pulled out my book and began reading the thick hardcover. five minutes later, our teacher arrived and everyone but me was punished.
fast forward about eight years, when i was in secondary three. the class was rowdy and playful, flicking bottle caps flying across the room, trying to hit one another. i was not in a position of authority in the classroom but i held a leadership position elsewhere that the entire class knew about. unlike when i was a child, i was gossiping and chatting with my friends when a stray bottle cap flew in my direction and landed in my shirt. i blew up at the class and cowed all of them into submission. they were silent and slightly fearful for a good amount of time until i started laughing at how frightened they were by my explosion.
two similar situations. two different outcomes. in the first, i was young, trying to be the teacher's pet and not yet touching the potential for leadership that was buried in me. in the second, i was just trying to fit in while standing out, sure in my power and security in my relationships with my classmates that i could scold them like a mother.
i wonder how i would react to such a situation again. i have matured a lot more since then. however, would my emotions cloud my logic like back in secondary school - when i reached in and pulled the bottle cap out, turning to the general direction of the class and practically growling at them that "there would be no more flying objects in this class"?
it is interesting to see what i might do. back in singapore, i was the alpha female. my authority was respected, i like to hope. here, i have to defer to those older and have lived through more than i did. but does experience trump logic and potential?
if a third situation arises, let me see what i would do. but, maybe, there is my answer in itself.
take for example, when i was in my lower primary levels, i was a class monitor, i think. we were waiting for our physical eds teacher to come in but she was late. despite my best attempts, my classmates were too rowdy and out of control and i gave up, pulled out my book and began reading the thick hardcover. five minutes later, our teacher arrived and everyone but me was punished.
fast forward about eight years, when i was in secondary three. the class was rowdy and playful, flicking bottle caps flying across the room, trying to hit one another. i was not in a position of authority in the classroom but i held a leadership position elsewhere that the entire class knew about. unlike when i was a child, i was gossiping and chatting with my friends when a stray bottle cap flew in my direction and landed in my shirt. i blew up at the class and cowed all of them into submission. they were silent and slightly fearful for a good amount of time until i started laughing at how frightened they were by my explosion.
two similar situations. two different outcomes. in the first, i was young, trying to be the teacher's pet and not yet touching the potential for leadership that was buried in me. in the second, i was just trying to fit in while standing out, sure in my power and security in my relationships with my classmates that i could scold them like a mother.
i wonder how i would react to such a situation again. i have matured a lot more since then. however, would my emotions cloud my logic like back in secondary school - when i reached in and pulled the bottle cap out, turning to the general direction of the class and practically growling at them that "there would be no more flying objects in this class"?
it is interesting to see what i might do. back in singapore, i was the alpha female. my authority was respected, i like to hope. here, i have to defer to those older and have lived through more than i did. but does experience trump logic and potential?
if a third situation arises, let me see what i would do. but, maybe, there is my answer in itself.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
tired, again
considering that yesterday i got rides to and from work, i was surprised to get ko-ed until well past noon today, well past the point where my bladder was screaming at me to get up. i got to sleep at my usual time but i only crawled out of bed at half past one. the main difference between yesterday's friday and the fridays before were that i went to icf.
i think i have changed, since i came here. changed for the worse, lol. i have a shorter temper, smaller patience and way less tolerance for people.
social gatherings are tiring me out twice or even thrice as much as before. actually, before, i did not feel mentally tired from social outings. however, social outings here exhaust me to no end. it is sad that i hold no real liking or friendship to the people here. actually, sad isn't really the right word. *shrugs*
i think i have changed, since i came here. changed for the worse, lol. i have a shorter temper, smaller patience and way less tolerance for people.
social gatherings are tiring me out twice or even thrice as much as before. actually, before, i did not feel mentally tired from social outings. however, social outings here exhaust me to no end. it is sad that i hold no real liking or friendship to the people here. actually, sad isn't really the right word. *shrugs*
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Vice
Books are my vice. stories of female protagonists - of adventure and drama, fantasy and romance. the complicated web of relationships and the social world around them. good authors draw me in like flies to honey. even better ones make me wish that i could read the characters' entire lives, that the world that is being created was real just so that i could step into it and truly understand it.
the current series i'm reading is the celaeno series. wholly female protagonists but with s huge twist with regards to religion. it's amazing to see how religion affects their lives and controls their future. however, it is also nice of the author to not just focus on the religion aspect but also on other parts. it was really refreshing that, after two books where religion was the core, the third book i read was about deception.
that aside, i really need to get my driver's license. with me working, plus the possibility of more hours, a car would be so much more useful.
imma keep this short because i am fighting the temptation to read the next book. to do, imma go shower and probably eat. i had waaaaay too much sugar this evening though so i doubt my stomach would be able to take anything much =X
the current series i'm reading is the celaeno series. wholly female protagonists but with s huge twist with regards to religion. it's amazing to see how religion affects their lives and controls their future. however, it is also nice of the author to not just focus on the religion aspect but also on other parts. it was really refreshing that, after two books where religion was the core, the third book i read was about deception.
that aside, i really need to get my driver's license. with me working, plus the possibility of more hours, a car would be so much more useful.
imma keep this short because i am fighting the temptation to read the next book. to do, imma go shower and probably eat. i had waaaaay too much sugar this evening though so i doubt my stomach would be able to take anything much =X
Saturday, 31 March 2012
olfactory
smells are so important to me. breathing in and out. taking in the scent of the world and environment.
my sense of smell is acute. i've been compared to a dog, an animal and even an alien for my sharp sense of smell and hearing. i could smell woodchips burning in a closed grill in another house opposite my own with only a crack in the window. i can practically taste the smell of cooking when i enter a home. and, strange as it may seem, i often sniff my food to get a general idea of how it might taste like.
my sense of smell is strong.
but there is a down side to it. i cannot take strong odors. a mere whiff of cigarette smoke would send me reeling and i cannot enter a perfume store without my eyes tearing up and me choking. the smell of alcohol, even wine, makes me a tad nauseous. which is why i always smell so nice, as verisa can pervert-ly confirm. she's always sniffing my hair, sniffing my clothes.
at this moment, my landlord's sister's dog just left. he was started to smell and i have now begun to recognize and label that smell as wet dog smell. this place now stinks of his smell. >x< i've just sprayed some lavender air-spray but my nose is complaining because i can distinctly smell those two different scents mingling together.
i hope i get my appetite back for dinner. and i sincerely pray that the smell would fade by tonight.
my sense of smell is acute. i've been compared to a dog, an animal and even an alien for my sharp sense of smell and hearing. i could smell woodchips burning in a closed grill in another house opposite my own with only a crack in the window. i can practically taste the smell of cooking when i enter a home. and, strange as it may seem, i often sniff my food to get a general idea of how it might taste like.
my sense of smell is strong.
but there is a down side to it. i cannot take strong odors. a mere whiff of cigarette smoke would send me reeling and i cannot enter a perfume store without my eyes tearing up and me choking. the smell of alcohol, even wine, makes me a tad nauseous. which is why i always smell so nice, as verisa can pervert-ly confirm. she's always sniffing my hair, sniffing my clothes.
at this moment, my landlord's sister's dog just left. he was started to smell and i have now begun to recognize and label that smell as wet dog smell. this place now stinks of his smell. >x< i've just sprayed some lavender air-spray but my nose is complaining because i can distinctly smell those two different scents mingling together.
i hope i get my appetite back for dinner. and i sincerely pray that the smell would fade by tonight.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
fairy tales
it has been a while. my only excuse is work. with people taking time off and changing their schedules, i have been working more than usual the past weeks. and my next few weeks are also just as crowded. on one hand, i like that i am being kept busy with something productive. on the other, i hate being kept busy working.
i finally got a long weekend off, 3 days, this being my last and i believe i have spent it quite happily.
growing up, we learn about all kinds of fairy tales. from cinderella to sleeping beauty, snow white to little red riding hood. call it the rebel in me but i adore reading parodies of fairy tales where the princesses are not really damsels in distress but strong characters who are just as brave as their prince charming.
james c hines princess series are what im devouring at the moment. three books in and im about to dive into the fourth and final book. it helps that his tales have what i am always looking for in a good book - fantasy, adventure with a strong female protagonist.
in some ways, we are always looking for the happily ever after in our lives. fairy tales are so perfect that they never seem to fit into our reality. so, i suppose, reading such books brings me some comfort.
i finally got a long weekend off, 3 days, this being my last and i believe i have spent it quite happily.
growing up, we learn about all kinds of fairy tales. from cinderella to sleeping beauty, snow white to little red riding hood. call it the rebel in me but i adore reading parodies of fairy tales where the princesses are not really damsels in distress but strong characters who are just as brave as their prince charming.
james c hines princess series are what im devouring at the moment. three books in and im about to dive into the fourth and final book. it helps that his tales have what i am always looking for in a good book - fantasy, adventure with a strong female protagonist.
in some ways, we are always looking for the happily ever after in our lives. fairy tales are so perfect that they never seem to fit into our reality. so, i suppose, reading such books brings me some comfort.
Saturday, 10 March 2012
uncertainty
i dislike change. i am resistant to change. i especially dislike change that occurred beyond my control or sight.
change is coming. at one of the worst possible times. happening when i am still struggling.
as much as it pains me, let us wait and see what would happen.
change is coming. at one of the worst possible times. happening when i am still struggling.
as much as it pains me, let us wait and see what would happen.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
trapped
im going crazy. going out of my mind. i feel so trapped and confined. it's like the worst case of cabin fever. and no amount of going out and walking around would cure it. i am back to start one; lost and aimless again while i try to right myself back up on my two feet.
it happens every now and then. and i absolutely loathe the feeling. the feeling where you are stagnant. and not by choice. the feeling where you are trapped inside your head, screaming and shouting. but no sound is heard and no one hears you. the feeling where the pressure is pushing hard against your brain, like a perpetual never-ending headache and all you want to do is curl up and wish it away. to wake up only when the weight is off your body.
i have no idea if it is the weather here that is causing it. i have no idea if it is the recent addition hours at work that is causing me to feel sick. i have no idea if it even is because im out of materials to read, out of entertainment to pass time. i just know that i hate this feeling; this feeling of lethargy and restlessness.
i have been binge eating lately. just eating non-stop. i finally figured that i do binge eat when i am feeling an extreme emotion. however, the exact emotion and the cause of said emotion still escapes me. i have never been fully in touch with my emotions, i admit. and during these funks, i feel an even greater distance to them because it is as if i can actually feel the distance between my brain and my body. this causes me just a great headache that it could bring tears to my eyes and makes me wish i could claw the pressure out.
as usual, im just angry at the world. i have always been angry. i just hide it so much better than anyone else. i cannot decide if i want to actually fully feel my anger, or if i want the distanced emotions that i am experiencing right now. on one hand, the hot rage might wake me up and bring some life back. on the other, i fear what my rage might bring with it. that was one can of worms i sealed shut a long time ago and do not intend to open for a long time to come, if ever.
i am just. detached.
in singapore, i would have never reached such depths. my salvation would just be a text message away. to go out to eat, to go out and watch a movie, or simply just hang out at tze's place. those activities, and the people i enjoy them with, kept me grounded and real.
i don't think anyone can really understand how much i owe my friends in singapore. they have done so much for me, much more than they could ever imagine. that's why i truly cherish them, even if i never say a word. because, my existence, my being able to speak words, my having a clarity of mind, is evidence of my relationship with them. without them to tie me down to earth, without their continued presence, i would truly have lost my mind.
which is what i feel has kind of been going on the past few months. very slowly, im losing bits of myself in pieces to time. very slowly, my grasp on reality is fading, my body just getting more tired each day, and my comprehension of human emotions and actions just does not make anymore sense. i lose interest in living.
the world is boring. it is senseless and meaningless. that is a fact. however, the light shines in my world when i allow entry to my friends. without them, i will always stay in the dark.
that is the one sad truth.
it happens every now and then. and i absolutely loathe the feeling. the feeling where you are stagnant. and not by choice. the feeling where you are trapped inside your head, screaming and shouting. but no sound is heard and no one hears you. the feeling where the pressure is pushing hard against your brain, like a perpetual never-ending headache and all you want to do is curl up and wish it away. to wake up only when the weight is off your body.
i have no idea if it is the weather here that is causing it. i have no idea if it is the recent addition hours at work that is causing me to feel sick. i have no idea if it even is because im out of materials to read, out of entertainment to pass time. i just know that i hate this feeling; this feeling of lethargy and restlessness.
i have been binge eating lately. just eating non-stop. i finally figured that i do binge eat when i am feeling an extreme emotion. however, the exact emotion and the cause of said emotion still escapes me. i have never been fully in touch with my emotions, i admit. and during these funks, i feel an even greater distance to them because it is as if i can actually feel the distance between my brain and my body. this causes me just a great headache that it could bring tears to my eyes and makes me wish i could claw the pressure out.
as usual, im just angry at the world. i have always been angry. i just hide it so much better than anyone else. i cannot decide if i want to actually fully feel my anger, or if i want the distanced emotions that i am experiencing right now. on one hand, the hot rage might wake me up and bring some life back. on the other, i fear what my rage might bring with it. that was one can of worms i sealed shut a long time ago and do not intend to open for a long time to come, if ever.
i am just. detached.
in singapore, i would have never reached such depths. my salvation would just be a text message away. to go out to eat, to go out and watch a movie, or simply just hang out at tze's place. those activities, and the people i enjoy them with, kept me grounded and real.
i don't think anyone can really understand how much i owe my friends in singapore. they have done so much for me, much more than they could ever imagine. that's why i truly cherish them, even if i never say a word. because, my existence, my being able to speak words, my having a clarity of mind, is evidence of my relationship with them. without them to tie me down to earth, without their continued presence, i would truly have lost my mind.
which is what i feel has kind of been going on the past few months. very slowly, im losing bits of myself in pieces to time. very slowly, my grasp on reality is fading, my body just getting more tired each day, and my comprehension of human emotions and actions just does not make anymore sense. i lose interest in living.
the world is boring. it is senseless and meaningless. that is a fact. however, the light shines in my world when i allow entry to my friends. without them, i will always stay in the dark.
that is the one sad truth.
Monday, 5 March 2012
stressed
i've been feeling super stressed recently. i have no idea why but i know what has been contributing to it. been binge eating too, because i've just been stressed. which in turn, makes me even more stressed when i see the weight i gained. my brows seem to be constantly furrowed and i feel so trapped.
i cannot wait for the next two weeks to be over. i cannot wait for my atm card to arrive.
i cannot wait for the next two weeks to be over. i cannot wait for my atm card to arrive.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
cold
the past week has been terribly cold. very cold. extremely cold to me. my fingers were constantly cold, my toes freezing and my muscles ache painfully. i miss tropical weathers, warm singapore weathers.
however, the past weeks or so, i've also been in an artistic mood. i want to create music, i want to put words into a story, i want to draw. but, sadly, my busy work weeks have begun. i would be gone almost all day for work more often the next three weeks. on one hand, yay, bigger paycheck. on the other, yay, stress.
it is good news that those in my year have finished polytechnic. but it is sad that i am not part of that group. i feel sad that i am not there, celebrating with them and holding a diploma in my hands, to show my achievement. but yet, a smaller, quieter, firmer part of me is glad that i am out of singapore. because, by coming here, i have been forced to mature and grow so much, in a way that singapore would never have been able to.
i miss the good times. but i never want to look back for fear of regrets. but i am happy and proud of you lot who stuck in there in poly. my only question to you gals now is, what now?
however, the past weeks or so, i've also been in an artistic mood. i want to create music, i want to put words into a story, i want to draw. but, sadly, my busy work weeks have begun. i would be gone almost all day for work more often the next three weeks. on one hand, yay, bigger paycheck. on the other, yay, stress.
it is good news that those in my year have finished polytechnic. but it is sad that i am not part of that group. i feel sad that i am not there, celebrating with them and holding a diploma in my hands, to show my achievement. but yet, a smaller, quieter, firmer part of me is glad that i am out of singapore. because, by coming here, i have been forced to mature and grow so much, in a way that singapore would never have been able to.
i miss the good times. but i never want to look back for fear of regrets. but i am happy and proud of you lot who stuck in there in poly. my only question to you gals now is, what now?
Monday, 20 February 2012
dizzy
*eagerly tears open and installs sims medieval*
twenty four hours later.... *bangs head against desk*
sims medieval is so different from the normal sims games. a pleasant change but jarring. it is no longer about building or interior design... not so much about controlling your sim and making his/her life whatever you want it to. it is about questing. lots of questing.
and, even though i'm using a cheat, it is kinda difficult and complicated. for example, i have just created my second character, a knight, and i have no idea where to heal her injuries to get rid of the debuffs that is making her focus go down. =X
it is causing me some consternation, especially since i am slowly counting down to the weeks when i'll be busy at work. next week, i believe, i would be working at almost full-time hours. i say almost because i include the long travel time in them. i should be pleased that i'm getting more hours but it's just tiring.
this post is mostly for verisa's sake, lol. my advice? don't get the sims medieval unless you can lots of time on your hands. i am barely making a start in the game and i've been cheating like crazy through my first character.
i am going to go crazy; sims medieval + maplestory...
but of course, i would not be me if i were not a crazy gamer chick ;P
twenty four hours later.... *bangs head against desk*
sims medieval is so different from the normal sims games. a pleasant change but jarring. it is no longer about building or interior design... not so much about controlling your sim and making his/her life whatever you want it to. it is about questing. lots of questing.
and, even though i'm using a cheat, it is kinda difficult and complicated. for example, i have just created my second character, a knight, and i have no idea where to heal her injuries to get rid of the debuffs that is making her focus go down. =X
it is causing me some consternation, especially since i am slowly counting down to the weeks when i'll be busy at work. next week, i believe, i would be working at almost full-time hours. i say almost because i include the long travel time in them. i should be pleased that i'm getting more hours but it's just tiring.
this post is mostly for verisa's sake, lol. my advice? don't get the sims medieval unless you can lots of time on your hands. i am barely making a start in the game and i've been cheating like crazy through my first character.
i am going to go crazy; sims medieval + maplestory...
but of course, i would not be me if i were not a crazy gamer chick ;P
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
pity
i find it a pity that i would not really have any actual friends here whom i can really trust. i never realized it until i came to california but one critical criteria for being my friend is the requirement to be somewhat proficient in english and speak it at least 90% of the time.
i am a listener. i like to hear people talk. but i also like to chat. however, i often use flowery language that only those with an extremely good grasp of english can understand. the reason why i understand people speaking chinese or thai is because i try to grasp the situation and read their body language, the inflections in their tone. but it is tiring to do so.
i would not call it sad because really, i care little for those who do not speak english frequently, but i find it a pity that i would never become friends with those whose first language is not english. i may be too close-minded about it but it is so difficult for me to trust.
so i find it a pity. a pity that those here who surround me, i may never really, truly call friend. because icf is icf - international christian fellowship. they are international, from non-english speaking countries. it annoys me when i hear them speak their own language and, though it is no fault of theirs, i frown upon it and turn away.
i took it for granted in singapore, really. all my best friends do not speak chinese or, if they do, they speak it so rarely that it was like they do not speak it at all. subconsciously, i trusted those who always speaks english. i never really noticed until now, when i am alone and wishing for a companion to chat with.
i do not mean this post as a guilt but rather a simple reminder to those i call friends; everyday i sit in front of my laptop, i am missing you. for those here in california would never make me as welcomed and loved and trusted as any of you did.
humans are social creatures. even me, an extreme introvert, love to hang out with friends and be social because all of you make me want to be. gals, you make me a better person. here, i just want to be alone because none of them would ever make me as happy and content as when i am with you gals.
i am a listener. i like to hear people talk. but i also like to chat. however, i often use flowery language that only those with an extremely good grasp of english can understand. the reason why i understand people speaking chinese or thai is because i try to grasp the situation and read their body language, the inflections in their tone. but it is tiring to do so.
i would not call it sad because really, i care little for those who do not speak english frequently, but i find it a pity that i would never become friends with those whose first language is not english. i may be too close-minded about it but it is so difficult for me to trust.
so i find it a pity. a pity that those here who surround me, i may never really, truly call friend. because icf is icf - international christian fellowship. they are international, from non-english speaking countries. it annoys me when i hear them speak their own language and, though it is no fault of theirs, i frown upon it and turn away.
i took it for granted in singapore, really. all my best friends do not speak chinese or, if they do, they speak it so rarely that it was like they do not speak it at all. subconsciously, i trusted those who always speaks english. i never really noticed until now, when i am alone and wishing for a companion to chat with.
i do not mean this post as a guilt but rather a simple reminder to those i call friends; everyday i sit in front of my laptop, i am missing you. for those here in california would never make me as welcomed and loved and trusted as any of you did.
humans are social creatures. even me, an extreme introvert, love to hang out with friends and be social because all of you make me want to be. gals, you make me a better person. here, i just want to be alone because none of them would ever make me as happy and content as when i am with you gals.
Monday, 13 February 2012
my promise
i am bad at commitment, i admit. this would be my third? fourth? attempt at an online journal/blog but this will be my last, i promise.
i know i've been gone, distant. life goes on. times change. eventually, my feelings would change too. however, the few and treasured bonds i created will never disappear, even if i appear to be gone. i admit, i was at fault. i should have done more to stay in touch. but it is difficult and painful. to talk, to chat and knowing that i would not be in your presence. we talk of promises of together soon. we talk of surety of meeting again, soon. but in the meantime, we would suffer each other's absence.
i am a runner. i run, i hide and i flee from whatever hurts me, whatever pains me. however, you chased me. and because of that, i am going to take a stand now. it would be tough but that would be selfish of me. and when it comes to you guys, i really want to be selfless.
so, this blog will be my promise to you. verisa, huitze, melody and everyone else who is waiting to dine with me; everyone who is waiting for the day when we can be together again. i will promise to do my best in communicating with you guys. i will promise to do my best to reminding you guys that i'm still here.
i do love you all. i'm always saying this but it is the only thing i know for sure; believe me, i'm always here.
i know i've been gone, distant. life goes on. times change. eventually, my feelings would change too. however, the few and treasured bonds i created will never disappear, even if i appear to be gone. i admit, i was at fault. i should have done more to stay in touch. but it is difficult and painful. to talk, to chat and knowing that i would not be in your presence. we talk of promises of together soon. we talk of surety of meeting again, soon. but in the meantime, we would suffer each other's absence.
i am a runner. i run, i hide and i flee from whatever hurts me, whatever pains me. however, you chased me. and because of that, i am going to take a stand now. it would be tough but that would be selfish of me. and when it comes to you guys, i really want to be selfless.
so, this blog will be my promise to you. verisa, huitze, melody and everyone else who is waiting to dine with me; everyone who is waiting for the day when we can be together again. i will promise to do my best in communicating with you guys. i will promise to do my best to reminding you guys that i'm still here.
i do love you all. i'm always saying this but it is the only thing i know for sure; believe me, i'm always here.
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