afflictions

hypersomnia. social anxiety disorder.

these are two new medical terms i learned a few days ago. hypersomnia is the opposite of insomnia and has many symptoms, primarily tiredness even after long hours of sleep. i always thought i had a bit of insomnia - i always have trouble sleeping at night and i would wake up late in the afternoon. even despite that, i would feel tired. that is one characteristic of hypersomnia. it is not severe, of course, but it surprises me that being tired all day is not normal.

social anxiety disorder. this i kind of suspected but never really bothered to look up because i am getting better. was getting better at it anyhow. when i was a child, i used to be so nervous to go to school. i could hardly sit still and i would so conscious of my appearance. it was not excitement per se but more of a worry of what people will think of me.

over time, i gradually relaxed a enough so that i could actually interact with people if need be. however, the fear of rejection or saying the wrong thing at social gatherings still makes me nervous. i would be unable to control my emotions and thought processes and my hands and legs would shake. i always feel like hiding in a corner because i never know how others may see me.

while i feel that i may only have mild hypersomnia, i think my social anxiety is getting worse than when i was in singapore. i am really avoiding people and, at work, when people answer the "wrong" answer to my question, i get dumbfounded. it took me months to learn to even say "hi, welcome to curry house. how are you doing today" properly. a few weeks ago, when i was heading over to eric's place, i noticed that there were still a lot of people at his place and, for one second, for one terrifying moment, i was scared.

i cannot say how much of a relief it is, having finally put names to some of my many problems. i find it curious that i am an introvert, hiding a social disorder. sleep disorder, i care little for. i have given up on proper sleep timings and going to bed easy. the social anxiety, on the other hand, surprises me, truly. i always thought it normal to be nervous and scared of what people will say or think of me. i thought it normal that being scared or nervous about a social meeting such that i would double and triple check the meeting details beforehand.

this requires more research.