trapped

im going crazy. going out of my mind. i feel so trapped and confined. it's like the worst case of cabin fever. and no amount of going out and walking around would cure it. i am back to start one; lost and aimless again while i try to right myself back up on my two feet.

it happens every now and then. and i absolutely loathe the feeling. the feeling where you are stagnant. and not by choice. the feeling where you are trapped inside your head, screaming and shouting. but no sound is heard and no one hears you. the feeling where the pressure is pushing hard against your brain, like a perpetual never-ending headache and all you want to do is curl up and wish it away. to wake up only when the weight is off your body.

i have no idea if it is the weather here that is causing it. i have no idea if it is the recent addition hours at work that is causing me to feel sick. i have no idea if it even is because im out of materials to read, out of entertainment to pass time. i just know that i hate this feeling; this feeling of lethargy and restlessness.

i have been binge eating lately. just eating non-stop. i finally figured that i do binge eat when i am feeling an extreme emotion. however, the exact emotion and the cause of said emotion still escapes me. i have never been fully in touch with my emotions, i admit. and during these funks, i feel an even greater distance to them because it is as if i can actually feel the distance between my brain and my body. this causes me just a great headache that it could bring tears to my eyes and makes me wish i could claw the pressure out.

as usual, im just angry at the world. i have always been angry. i just hide it so much better than anyone else. i cannot decide if i want to actually fully feel my anger, or if i want the distanced emotions that i am experiencing right now. on one hand, the hot rage might wake me up and bring some life back. on the other, i fear what my rage might bring with it. that was one can of worms i sealed shut a long time ago and do not intend to open for a long time to come, if ever.

i am just. detached.

in singapore, i would have never reached such depths. my salvation would just be a text message away. to go out to eat, to go out and watch a movie, or simply just hang out at tze's place. those activities, and the people i enjoy them with, kept me grounded and real.

i don't think anyone can really understand how much i owe my friends in singapore. they have done so much for me, much more than they could ever imagine. that's why i truly cherish them, even if i never say a word. because, my existence, my being able to speak words, my having a clarity of mind, is evidence of my relationship with them. without them to tie me down to earth, without their continued presence, i would truly have lost my mind.

which is what i feel has kind of been going on the past few months. very slowly, im losing bits of myself in pieces to time. very slowly, my grasp on reality is fading, my body just getting more tired each day, and my comprehension of human emotions and actions just does not make anymore sense. i lose interest in living.

the world is boring. it is senseless and meaningless. that is a fact. however, the light shines in my world when i allow entry to my friends. without them, i will always stay in the dark.

that is the one sad truth.