changes

i was lying in bed last night and a startling comparison came to mind while i was trying to fall asleep. over the years, we change. our personalities change, our habits change. seldom do i actually see similar situations happening to the same person but with two different endings.

take for example, when i was in my lower primary levels, i was a class monitor, i think. we were waiting for our physical eds teacher to come in but she was late. despite my best attempts, my classmates were too rowdy and out of control and i gave up, pulled out my book and began reading the thick hardcover. five minutes later, our teacher arrived and everyone but me was punished.

fast forward about eight years, when i was in secondary three. the class was rowdy and playful, flicking bottle caps flying across the room, trying to hit one another. i was not in a position of authority in the classroom but i held a leadership position elsewhere that the entire class knew about. unlike when i was a child, i was gossiping and chatting with my friends when a stray bottle cap flew in my direction and landed in my shirt. i blew up at the class and cowed all of them into submission. they were silent and slightly fearful for a good amount of time until i started laughing at how frightened they were by my explosion.

two similar situations. two different outcomes. in the first, i was young, trying to be the teacher's pet and not yet touching the potential for leadership that was buried in me. in the second, i was just trying to fit in while standing out, sure in my power and security in my relationships with my classmates that i could scold them like a mother.

i wonder how i would react to such a situation again. i have matured a lot more since then. however, would my emotions cloud my logic like back in secondary school - when i reached in and pulled the bottle cap out, turning to the general direction of the class and practically growling at them that "there would be no more flying objects in this class"?

it is interesting to see what i might do. back in singapore, i was the alpha female. my authority was respected, i like to hope. here, i have to defer to those older and have lived through more than i did. but does experience trump logic and potential?

if a third situation arises, let me see what i would do. but, maybe, there is my answer in itself.