hypersomnia. social anxiety disorder.
these are two new medical terms i learned a few days ago. hypersomnia is the opposite of insomnia and has many symptoms, primarily tiredness even after long hours of sleep. i always thought i had a bit of insomnia - i always have trouble sleeping at night and i would wake up late in the afternoon. even despite that, i would feel tired. that is one characteristic of hypersomnia. it is not severe, of course, but it surprises me that being tired all day is not normal.
social anxiety disorder. this i kind of suspected but never really bothered to look up because i am getting better. was getting better at it anyhow. when i was a child, i used to be so nervous to go to school. i could hardly sit still and i would so conscious of my appearance. it was not excitement per se but more of a worry of what people will think of me.
over time, i gradually relaxed a enough so that i could actually interact with people if need be. however, the fear of rejection or saying the wrong thing at social gatherings still makes me nervous. i would be unable to control my emotions and thought processes and my hands and legs would shake. i always feel like hiding in a corner because i never know how others may see me.
while i feel that i may only have mild hypersomnia, i think my social anxiety is getting worse than when i was in singapore. i am really avoiding people and, at work, when people answer the "wrong" answer to my question, i get dumbfounded. it took me months to learn to even say "hi, welcome to curry house. how are you doing today" properly. a few weeks ago, when i was heading over to eric's place, i noticed that there were still a lot of people at his place and, for one second, for one terrifying moment, i was scared.
i cannot say how much of a relief it is, having finally put names to some of my many problems. i find it curious that i am an introvert, hiding a social disorder. sleep disorder, i care little for. i have given up on proper sleep timings and going to bed easy. the social anxiety, on the other hand, surprises me, truly. i always thought it normal to be nervous and scared of what people will say or think of me. i thought it normal that being scared or nervous about a social meeting such that i would double and triple check the meeting details beforehand.
this requires more research.
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Friday, 27 April 2012
pain
i have this strange habit of stretching tremendously as i am waking up from a night's sleep. the moment my mind starts to surface from unconsciousness, my arms and legs would already begin reaching for the top and bottom of my mattress. especially my legs, because i normally sleep curled up, so inevitably, overstretching would definitely happen.
it has happened quite a few times before. i would stretch my legs to feel the delicious pull of muscles moving and suddenly pain would ring through me as my muscles in either of my leg protest excruciatingly. i have no idea what it is called, just that it feels as though my muscles were being pulled in two different directions. it hurts like a bitch.
i would automatically reach down, fully awakened from the pain, and curse fervently as i breathe through the pain and wait for it to subside. once the pain passed, i would lie back and call myself an idiot. then, a few weeks later, my legs would reach for the bottom of my mattress and i would be in fetal position again.
two days again, this happened. the difference is that i think there might have been a possibility that i might have fainted from the pain. i can't really remember. i just remember agonizing pain, breathing hard through it, clutching my leg then suddenly i'm dreaming that i was limping along the road. the pain was so intense this time that i actually felt it even when i was sleeping.
even now, it aches a little. strange it is. normally the pain would be over within minutes but this lasted for two days. i must have done something differently. or not done something right. either way, i should really research into what this pain is called.
it has happened quite a few times before. i would stretch my legs to feel the delicious pull of muscles moving and suddenly pain would ring through me as my muscles in either of my leg protest excruciatingly. i have no idea what it is called, just that it feels as though my muscles were being pulled in two different directions. it hurts like a bitch.
i would automatically reach down, fully awakened from the pain, and curse fervently as i breathe through the pain and wait for it to subside. once the pain passed, i would lie back and call myself an idiot. then, a few weeks later, my legs would reach for the bottom of my mattress and i would be in fetal position again.
two days again, this happened. the difference is that i think there might have been a possibility that i might have fainted from the pain. i can't really remember. i just remember agonizing pain, breathing hard through it, clutching my leg then suddenly i'm dreaming that i was limping along the road. the pain was so intense this time that i actually felt it even when i was sleeping.
even now, it aches a little. strange it is. normally the pain would be over within minutes but this lasted for two days. i must have done something differently. or not done something right. either way, i should really research into what this pain is called.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
changes
i was lying in bed last night and a startling comparison came to mind while i was trying to fall asleep. over the years, we change. our personalities change, our habits change. seldom do i actually see similar situations happening to the same person but with two different endings.
take for example, when i was in my lower primary levels, i was a class monitor, i think. we were waiting for our physical eds teacher to come in but she was late. despite my best attempts, my classmates were too rowdy and out of control and i gave up, pulled out my book and began reading the thick hardcover. five minutes later, our teacher arrived and everyone but me was punished.
fast forward about eight years, when i was in secondary three. the class was rowdy and playful, flicking bottle caps flying across the room, trying to hit one another. i was not in a position of authority in the classroom but i held a leadership position elsewhere that the entire class knew about. unlike when i was a child, i was gossiping and chatting with my friends when a stray bottle cap flew in my direction and landed in my shirt. i blew up at the class and cowed all of them into submission. they were silent and slightly fearful for a good amount of time until i started laughing at how frightened they were by my explosion.
two similar situations. two different outcomes. in the first, i was young, trying to be the teacher's pet and not yet touching the potential for leadership that was buried in me. in the second, i was just trying to fit in while standing out, sure in my power and security in my relationships with my classmates that i could scold them like a mother.
i wonder how i would react to such a situation again. i have matured a lot more since then. however, would my emotions cloud my logic like back in secondary school - when i reached in and pulled the bottle cap out, turning to the general direction of the class and practically growling at them that "there would be no more flying objects in this class"?
it is interesting to see what i might do. back in singapore, i was the alpha female. my authority was respected, i like to hope. here, i have to defer to those older and have lived through more than i did. but does experience trump logic and potential?
if a third situation arises, let me see what i would do. but, maybe, there is my answer in itself.
take for example, when i was in my lower primary levels, i was a class monitor, i think. we were waiting for our physical eds teacher to come in but she was late. despite my best attempts, my classmates were too rowdy and out of control and i gave up, pulled out my book and began reading the thick hardcover. five minutes later, our teacher arrived and everyone but me was punished.
fast forward about eight years, when i was in secondary three. the class was rowdy and playful, flicking bottle caps flying across the room, trying to hit one another. i was not in a position of authority in the classroom but i held a leadership position elsewhere that the entire class knew about. unlike when i was a child, i was gossiping and chatting with my friends when a stray bottle cap flew in my direction and landed in my shirt. i blew up at the class and cowed all of them into submission. they were silent and slightly fearful for a good amount of time until i started laughing at how frightened they were by my explosion.
two similar situations. two different outcomes. in the first, i was young, trying to be the teacher's pet and not yet touching the potential for leadership that was buried in me. in the second, i was just trying to fit in while standing out, sure in my power and security in my relationships with my classmates that i could scold them like a mother.
i wonder how i would react to such a situation again. i have matured a lot more since then. however, would my emotions cloud my logic like back in secondary school - when i reached in and pulled the bottle cap out, turning to the general direction of the class and practically growling at them that "there would be no more flying objects in this class"?
it is interesting to see what i might do. back in singapore, i was the alpha female. my authority was respected, i like to hope. here, i have to defer to those older and have lived through more than i did. but does experience trump logic and potential?
if a third situation arises, let me see what i would do. but, maybe, there is my answer in itself.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
tired, again
considering that yesterday i got rides to and from work, i was surprised to get ko-ed until well past noon today, well past the point where my bladder was screaming at me to get up. i got to sleep at my usual time but i only crawled out of bed at half past one. the main difference between yesterday's friday and the fridays before were that i went to icf.
i think i have changed, since i came here. changed for the worse, lol. i have a shorter temper, smaller patience and way less tolerance for people.
social gatherings are tiring me out twice or even thrice as much as before. actually, before, i did not feel mentally tired from social outings. however, social outings here exhaust me to no end. it is sad that i hold no real liking or friendship to the people here. actually, sad isn't really the right word. *shrugs*
i think i have changed, since i came here. changed for the worse, lol. i have a shorter temper, smaller patience and way less tolerance for people.
social gatherings are tiring me out twice or even thrice as much as before. actually, before, i did not feel mentally tired from social outings. however, social outings here exhaust me to no end. it is sad that i hold no real liking or friendship to the people here. actually, sad isn't really the right word. *shrugs*
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Vice
Books are my vice. stories of female protagonists - of adventure and drama, fantasy and romance. the complicated web of relationships and the social world around them. good authors draw me in like flies to honey. even better ones make me wish that i could read the characters' entire lives, that the world that is being created was real just so that i could step into it and truly understand it.
the current series i'm reading is the celaeno series. wholly female protagonists but with s huge twist with regards to religion. it's amazing to see how religion affects their lives and controls their future. however, it is also nice of the author to not just focus on the religion aspect but also on other parts. it was really refreshing that, after two books where religion was the core, the third book i read was about deception.
that aside, i really need to get my driver's license. with me working, plus the possibility of more hours, a car would be so much more useful.
imma keep this short because i am fighting the temptation to read the next book. to do, imma go shower and probably eat. i had waaaaay too much sugar this evening though so i doubt my stomach would be able to take anything much =X
the current series i'm reading is the celaeno series. wholly female protagonists but with s huge twist with regards to religion. it's amazing to see how religion affects their lives and controls their future. however, it is also nice of the author to not just focus on the religion aspect but also on other parts. it was really refreshing that, after two books where religion was the core, the third book i read was about deception.
that aside, i really need to get my driver's license. with me working, plus the possibility of more hours, a car would be so much more useful.
imma keep this short because i am fighting the temptation to read the next book. to do, imma go shower and probably eat. i had waaaaay too much sugar this evening though so i doubt my stomach would be able to take anything much =X
Saturday, 31 March 2012
olfactory
smells are so important to me. breathing in and out. taking in the scent of the world and environment.
my sense of smell is acute. i've been compared to a dog, an animal and even an alien for my sharp sense of smell and hearing. i could smell woodchips burning in a closed grill in another house opposite my own with only a crack in the window. i can practically taste the smell of cooking when i enter a home. and, strange as it may seem, i often sniff my food to get a general idea of how it might taste like.
my sense of smell is strong.
but there is a down side to it. i cannot take strong odors. a mere whiff of cigarette smoke would send me reeling and i cannot enter a perfume store without my eyes tearing up and me choking. the smell of alcohol, even wine, makes me a tad nauseous. which is why i always smell so nice, as verisa can pervert-ly confirm. she's always sniffing my hair, sniffing my clothes.
at this moment, my landlord's sister's dog just left. he was started to smell and i have now begun to recognize and label that smell as wet dog smell. this place now stinks of his smell. >x< i've just sprayed some lavender air-spray but my nose is complaining because i can distinctly smell those two different scents mingling together.
i hope i get my appetite back for dinner. and i sincerely pray that the smell would fade by tonight.
my sense of smell is acute. i've been compared to a dog, an animal and even an alien for my sharp sense of smell and hearing. i could smell woodchips burning in a closed grill in another house opposite my own with only a crack in the window. i can practically taste the smell of cooking when i enter a home. and, strange as it may seem, i often sniff my food to get a general idea of how it might taste like.
my sense of smell is strong.
but there is a down side to it. i cannot take strong odors. a mere whiff of cigarette smoke would send me reeling and i cannot enter a perfume store without my eyes tearing up and me choking. the smell of alcohol, even wine, makes me a tad nauseous. which is why i always smell so nice, as verisa can pervert-ly confirm. she's always sniffing my hair, sniffing my clothes.
at this moment, my landlord's sister's dog just left. he was started to smell and i have now begun to recognize and label that smell as wet dog smell. this place now stinks of his smell. >x< i've just sprayed some lavender air-spray but my nose is complaining because i can distinctly smell those two different scents mingling together.
i hope i get my appetite back for dinner. and i sincerely pray that the smell would fade by tonight.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
fairy tales
it has been a while. my only excuse is work. with people taking time off and changing their schedules, i have been working more than usual the past weeks. and my next few weeks are also just as crowded. on one hand, i like that i am being kept busy with something productive. on the other, i hate being kept busy working.
i finally got a long weekend off, 3 days, this being my last and i believe i have spent it quite happily.
growing up, we learn about all kinds of fairy tales. from cinderella to sleeping beauty, snow white to little red riding hood. call it the rebel in me but i adore reading parodies of fairy tales where the princesses are not really damsels in distress but strong characters who are just as brave as their prince charming.
james c hines princess series are what im devouring at the moment. three books in and im about to dive into the fourth and final book. it helps that his tales have what i am always looking for in a good book - fantasy, adventure with a strong female protagonist.
in some ways, we are always looking for the happily ever after in our lives. fairy tales are so perfect that they never seem to fit into our reality. so, i suppose, reading such books brings me some comfort.
i finally got a long weekend off, 3 days, this being my last and i believe i have spent it quite happily.
growing up, we learn about all kinds of fairy tales. from cinderella to sleeping beauty, snow white to little red riding hood. call it the rebel in me but i adore reading parodies of fairy tales where the princesses are not really damsels in distress but strong characters who are just as brave as their prince charming.
james c hines princess series are what im devouring at the moment. three books in and im about to dive into the fourth and final book. it helps that his tales have what i am always looking for in a good book - fantasy, adventure with a strong female protagonist.
in some ways, we are always looking for the happily ever after in our lives. fairy tales are so perfect that they never seem to fit into our reality. so, i suppose, reading such books brings me some comfort.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)