pain

i have this strange habit of stretching tremendously as i am waking up from a night's sleep. the moment my mind starts to surface from unconsciousness, my arms and legs would already begin reaching for the top and bottom of my mattress. especially my legs, because i normally sleep curled up, so inevitably, overstretching would definitely happen.

it has happened quite a few times before. i would stretch my legs to feel the delicious pull of muscles moving and suddenly pain would ring through me as my muscles in either of my leg protest excruciatingly. i have no idea what it is called, just that it feels as though my muscles were being pulled in two different directions. it hurts like a bitch.

i would automatically reach down, fully awakened from the pain, and curse fervently as i breathe through the pain and wait for it to subside. once the pain passed, i would lie back and call myself an idiot. then, a few weeks later, my legs would reach for the bottom of my mattress and i would be in fetal position again.

two days again, this happened. the difference is that i think there might have been a possibility that i might have fainted from the pain. i can't really remember. i just remember agonizing pain, breathing hard through it, clutching my leg then suddenly i'm dreaming that i was limping along the road. the pain was so intense this time that i actually felt it even when i was sleeping.

even now, it aches a little. strange it is. normally the pain would be over within minutes but this lasted for two days. i must have done something differently. or not done something right. either way, i should really research into what this pain is called.

changes

i was lying in bed last night and a startling comparison came to mind while i was trying to fall asleep. over the years, we change. our personalities change, our habits change. seldom do i actually see similar situations happening to the same person but with two different endings.

take for example, when i was in my lower primary levels, i was a class monitor, i think. we were waiting for our physical eds teacher to come in but she was late. despite my best attempts, my classmates were too rowdy and out of control and i gave up, pulled out my book and began reading the thick hardcover. five minutes later, our teacher arrived and everyone but me was punished.

fast forward about eight years, when i was in secondary three. the class was rowdy and playful, flicking bottle caps flying across the room, trying to hit one another. i was not in a position of authority in the classroom but i held a leadership position elsewhere that the entire class knew about. unlike when i was a child, i was gossiping and chatting with my friends when a stray bottle cap flew in my direction and landed in my shirt. i blew up at the class and cowed all of them into submission. they were silent and slightly fearful for a good amount of time until i started laughing at how frightened they were by my explosion.

two similar situations. two different outcomes. in the first, i was young, trying to be the teacher's pet and not yet touching the potential for leadership that was buried in me. in the second, i was just trying to fit in while standing out, sure in my power and security in my relationships with my classmates that i could scold them like a mother.

i wonder how i would react to such a situation again. i have matured a lot more since then. however, would my emotions cloud my logic like back in secondary school - when i reached in and pulled the bottle cap out, turning to the general direction of the class and practically growling at them that "there would be no more flying objects in this class"?

it is interesting to see what i might do. back in singapore, i was the alpha female. my authority was respected, i like to hope. here, i have to defer to those older and have lived through more than i did. but does experience trump logic and potential?

if a third situation arises, let me see what i would do. but, maybe, there is my answer in itself.

tired, again

considering that yesterday i got rides to and from work, i was surprised to get ko-ed until well past noon today, well past the point where my bladder was screaming at me to get up. i got to sleep at my usual time but i only crawled out of bed at half past one. the main difference between yesterday's friday and the fridays before were that i went to icf.

i think i have changed, since i came here. changed for the worse, lol. i have a shorter temper, smaller patience and way less tolerance for people.

social gatherings are tiring me out twice or even thrice as much as before. actually, before, i did not feel mentally tired from social outings. however, social outings here exhaust me to no end. it is sad that i hold no real liking or friendship to the people here. actually, sad isn't really the right word. *shrugs*

Vice

Books are my vice. stories of female protagonists - of adventure and drama, fantasy and romance. the complicated web of relationships and the social world around them. good authors draw me in like flies to honey. even better ones make me wish that i could read the characters' entire lives, that the world that is being created was real just so that i could step into it and truly understand it.

the current series i'm reading is the celaeno series. wholly female protagonists but with s huge twist with regards to religion. it's amazing to see how religion affects their lives and controls their future. however, it is also nice of the author to not just focus on the religion aspect but also on other parts. it was really refreshing that, after two books where religion was the core, the third book i read was about deception.

that aside, i really need to get my driver's license. with me working, plus the possibility of more hours, a car would be so much more useful.

imma keep this short because i am fighting the temptation to read the next book. to do, imma go shower and probably eat. i had waaaaay too much sugar this evening though so i doubt my stomach would be able to take anything much =X