olfactory

smells are so important to me. breathing in and out. taking in the scent of the world and environment.

my sense of smell is acute. i've been compared to a dog, an animal and even an alien for my sharp sense of smell and hearing. i could smell woodchips burning in a closed grill in another house opposite my own with only a crack in the window. i can practically taste the smell of cooking when i enter a home. and, strange as it may seem, i often sniff my food to get a general idea of how it might taste like.

my sense of smell is strong.

but there is a down side to it. i cannot take strong odors. a mere whiff of cigarette smoke would send me reeling and i cannot enter a perfume store without my eyes tearing up and me choking. the smell of alcohol, even wine, makes me a tad nauseous. which is why i always smell so nice, as verisa can pervert-ly confirm. she's always sniffing my hair, sniffing my clothes.

at this moment, my landlord's sister's dog just left. he was started to smell and i have now begun to recognize and label that smell as wet dog smell. this place now stinks of his smell. >x< i've just sprayed some lavender air-spray but my nose is complaining because i can distinctly smell those two different scents mingling together.

i hope i get my appetite back for dinner. and i sincerely pray that the smell would fade by tonight.

fairy tales

it has been a while. my only excuse is work. with people taking time off and changing their schedules, i have been working more than usual the past weeks. and my next few weeks are also just as crowded. on one hand, i like that i am being kept busy with something productive. on the other, i hate being kept busy working.

i finally got a long weekend off, 3 days, this being my last and i believe i have spent it quite happily.

growing up, we learn about all kinds of fairy tales. from cinderella to sleeping beauty, snow white to little red riding hood. call it the rebel in me but i adore reading parodies of fairy tales where the princesses are not really damsels in distress but strong characters who are just as brave as their prince charming.

james c hines princess series are what im devouring at the moment. three books in and im about to dive into the fourth and final book. it helps that his tales have what i am always looking for in a good book - fantasy, adventure with a strong female protagonist.

in some ways, we are always looking for the happily ever after in our lives. fairy tales are so perfect that they never seem to fit into our reality. so, i suppose, reading such books brings me some comfort.

uncertainty

i dislike change. i am resistant to change. i especially dislike change that occurred beyond my control or sight.

change is coming. at one of the worst possible times. happening when i am still struggling.

as much as it pains me, let us wait and see what would happen.

trapped

im going crazy. going out of my mind. i feel so trapped and confined. it's like the worst case of cabin fever. and no amount of going out and walking around would cure it. i am back to start one; lost and aimless again while i try to right myself back up on my two feet.

it happens every now and then. and i absolutely loathe the feeling. the feeling where you are stagnant. and not by choice. the feeling where you are trapped inside your head, screaming and shouting. but no sound is heard and no one hears you. the feeling where the pressure is pushing hard against your brain, like a perpetual never-ending headache and all you want to do is curl up and wish it away. to wake up only when the weight is off your body.

i have no idea if it is the weather here that is causing it. i have no idea if it is the recent addition hours at work that is causing me to feel sick. i have no idea if it even is because im out of materials to read, out of entertainment to pass time. i just know that i hate this feeling; this feeling of lethargy and restlessness.

i have been binge eating lately. just eating non-stop. i finally figured that i do binge eat when i am feeling an extreme emotion. however, the exact emotion and the cause of said emotion still escapes me. i have never been fully in touch with my emotions, i admit. and during these funks, i feel an even greater distance to them because it is as if i can actually feel the distance between my brain and my body. this causes me just a great headache that it could bring tears to my eyes and makes me wish i could claw the pressure out.

as usual, im just angry at the world. i have always been angry. i just hide it so much better than anyone else. i cannot decide if i want to actually fully feel my anger, or if i want the distanced emotions that i am experiencing right now. on one hand, the hot rage might wake me up and bring some life back. on the other, i fear what my rage might bring with it. that was one can of worms i sealed shut a long time ago and do not intend to open for a long time to come, if ever.

i am just. detached.

in singapore, i would have never reached such depths. my salvation would just be a text message away. to go out to eat, to go out and watch a movie, or simply just hang out at tze's place. those activities, and the people i enjoy them with, kept me grounded and real.

i don't think anyone can really understand how much i owe my friends in singapore. they have done so much for me, much more than they could ever imagine. that's why i truly cherish them, even if i never say a word. because, my existence, my being able to speak words, my having a clarity of mind, is evidence of my relationship with them. without them to tie me down to earth, without their continued presence, i would truly have lost my mind.

which is what i feel has kind of been going on the past few months. very slowly, im losing bits of myself in pieces to time. very slowly, my grasp on reality is fading, my body just getting more tired each day, and my comprehension of human emotions and actions just does not make anymore sense. i lose interest in living.

the world is boring. it is senseless and meaningless. that is a fact. however, the light shines in my world when i allow entry to my friends. without them, i will always stay in the dark.

that is the one sad truth.

stressed

i've been feeling super stressed recently. i have no idea why but i know what has been contributing to it. been binge eating too, because i've just been stressed. which in turn, makes me even more stressed when i see the weight i gained. my brows seem to be constantly furrowed and i feel so trapped.

i cannot wait for the next two weeks to be over. i cannot wait for my atm card to arrive.

cold

the past week has been terribly cold. very cold. extremely cold to me. my fingers were constantly cold, my toes freezing and my muscles ache painfully. i miss tropical weathers, warm singapore weathers.

however, the past weeks or so, i've also been in an artistic mood. i want to create music, i want to put words into a story, i want to draw. but, sadly, my busy work weeks have begun. i would be gone almost all day for work more often the next three weeks. on one hand, yay, bigger paycheck. on the other, yay, stress.

it is good news that those in my year have finished polytechnic. but it is sad that i am not part of that group. i feel sad that i am not there, celebrating with them and holding a diploma in my hands, to show my achievement. but yet, a smaller, quieter, firmer part of me is glad that i am out of singapore. because, by coming here, i have been forced to mature and grow so much, in a way that singapore would never have been able to.

i miss the good times. but i never want to look back for fear of regrets. but i am happy and proud of you lot who stuck in there in poly. my only question to you gals now is, what now?