pity

2012-02-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

i find it a pity that i would not really have any actual friends here whom i can really trust. i never realized it until i came to california but one critical criteria for being my friend is the requirement to be somewhat proficient in english and speak it at least 90% of the time.

i am a listener. i like to hear people talk. but i also like to chat. however, i often use flowery language that only those with an extremely good grasp of english can understand. the reason why i understand people speaking chinese or thai is because i try to grasp the situation and read their body language, the inflections in their tone. but it is tiring to do so.

i would not call it sad because really, i care little for those who do not speak english frequently, but i find it a pity that i would never become friends with those whose first language is not english. i may be too close-minded about it but it is so difficult for me to trust.

so i find it a pity. a pity that those here who surround me, i may never really, truly call friend. because icf is icf - international christian fellowship. they are international, from non-english speaking countries. it annoys me when i hear them speak their own language and, though it is no fault of theirs, i frown upon it and turn away.

i took it for granted in singapore, really. all my best friends do not speak chinese or, if they do, they speak it so rarely that it was like they do not speak it at all. subconsciously, i trusted those who always speaks english. i never really noticed until now, when i am alone and wishing for a companion to chat with.

i do not mean this post as a guilt but rather a simple reminder to those i call friends; everyday i sit in front of my laptop, i am missing you. for those here in california would never make me as welcomed and loved and trusted as any of you did.

humans are social creatures. even me, an extreme introvert, love to hang out with friends and be social because all of you make me want to be. gals, you make me a better person. here, i just want to be alone because none of them would ever make me as happy and content as when i am with you gals.

my promise

2012-02-13T23:13:00.001-08:00

i am bad at commitment, i admit. this would be my third? fourth? attempt at an online journal/blog but this will be my last, i promise.

i know i've been gone, distant. life goes on. times change. eventually, my feelings would change too. however, the few and treasured bonds i created will never disappear, even if i appear to be gone. i admit, i was at fault. i should have done more to stay in touch. but it is difficult and painful. to talk, to chat and knowing that i would not be in your presence. we talk of promises of together soon. we talk of surety of meeting again, soon. but in the meantime, we would suffer each other's absence.

i am a runner. i run, i hide and i flee from whatever hurts me, whatever pains me. however, you chased me. and because of that, i am going to take a stand now. it would be tough but that would be selfish of me. and when it comes to you guys, i really want to be selfless.

so, this blog will be my promise to you. verisa, huitze, melody and everyone else who is waiting to dine with me; everyone who is waiting for the day when we can be together again. i will promise to do my best in communicating with you guys. i will promise to do my best to reminding you guys that i'm still here.

i do love you all. i'm always saying this but it is the only thing i know for sure; believe me, i'm always here.

hopes to dreams

pity

my promise